Dancing with the Stars — the torturous hoofing marathon that should be called They Shoot Has-Beens, Don’t They? — almost signed its most glorious celebrity in three seasons to appear on its thirteenth go-around: the winsome, storied, eerily flirtatious father to Tatum O’Neal, Mr. Ryan O’Neal. Oh my goodness. O’Neal and his daughter have worked out most of their differences over the years, but it’s a little strange to realize the dubious Oscar nominee (for Love Story!) was going to be beamed into American homes for two weeks. Recent knee replacement surgery prevented him from officially signing on (he’ll reportedly be ready for next season), but let’s make the most of this almost-news and devise five dances O’Neal can perform in tribute to his film career in the future.
Love Story
Style: Samba
O’Neal’s partner, Edyta Swilinska, feigns leukemia and saunters drearily through a pre-death samba. O’Neal tries to revive her after a deep, sensual dip, but it’s too late: Edyta and her scathingly accurate Ali MacGraw impression are toast. The 1970 blockbuster’s theme is essential here. Bruno Tonioli may comment, “What can you say about a 25-year-old girl that died? Well, I know what I say! Ay-yiy-yiy! Sexy dead Mommy makes Bruno hot hot hot” before standing up and thrusting at America and your kids.
What’s Up, Doc?
Style: Cha Cha Cha
O’Neal and his partner Chelsie Hightower pony and jive upon a makeshift baggage claim while tossing lookalike valises at each other. At the end of the performance, both parties munch on a big carrot and lean jauntily into each other. Bruno Tonioli may comment, “A-deeb-a-deeb-That’s all folks! NINE!” before gyrating against Len Goodman, leaping into the…
Connie Nielsen Cristina Dumitru Daisy Fuentes Dania Ramirez Danica Patrick Daniella Alonso Danneel Harris
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